Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Crimia Cats

Crimia Cats
by David Russell
My name is Gizmo and I live in the Ukrain but have been taken in by a kindly older woman who also provides shelter for my kind, over 50 of us in her small home. We are still fairly independent as a race though our human counterparts have seemingly fallen on hard times with a recent move to join up with the country of Russia. I used to wander the streets and would hear the music of Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky, meow that name, and thought Russia must be majestic as indicated in his music corpus. Yet, it isn't necessarily so if addictions and hard times are a problem for many of Russia's citizens. What is a cat to do?

I belong to the catawamput Society along with Buster, Dailey, Max, Sam, Ginger, Puss, and Smatha, and at our last meeting we came up with a plan to help our human Crimianites.
"On October 1st we will release all the meow-mustered fury we can and have it spread to Russia and one V Putin," Smatha urged. "I will be there puttin on the charm and seduce that man into relinquishing his desire for Crimia," Tabby added. "I have the keys to the kingdom, and everything is in readiness," reported Jake. "All the networks have been alerted, and we will honor the Crimian woman who houses many of our kind," I shared confidently with the group.

The sun shown brightly over Crimia as October 1st approached. Something was about to occur that would affect catenoids, catnappers, catbirds, catchers, cattails and even the catechetic that would change history and perception of it forever. Tabby had gone over on September 29th and spent the next 2 days shmoozing, cajoling, flirting, cunning, catering to Putin and his cabinet who were quite taken with her. They liked how she would tend to them, rubbing against their leg and meowing ever so sweetly. The affect of her charm was truly aesthetic on these middle-aged, varying degrees of overweight, pompous types.

"Citizens of Crimia, we are going to aid our human kind in getting back their freedom to have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness like our friends in the USA. I am opening every zoo, every mouse trap, every bird cage, every catworks, and we are going to release catenas and catholes to send the Russian Government a message they will never forget. It will rival the plagues in Egypt recorded in the Biblical book of Exodus," I said to the gathering throng at Crimia Square. Cheers and calls of support were instantaneously heard in almost deafening measure. Even those diagnosed as catacaustic were behind us and they are noted for never changing, stuck-in-the-mud types. The caterers provided us plenty of Cat-Man-Do and we feasted as we forged ahead with our plan to aid humanity.
Jake and Maggie threw the switch and all of a sudden every rat, mouse, catbird, raven, crow, vulture, cathole, asshole, catworm with momentous power and strength were transported to Russia and descended on the likes of Premier Putin and his cabinet. They were bitten, scratched, cawed at, broke out in boils and within 2 hours relinquished their claims on Crimia and set the nation free to govern itself as it had.

Once word reached Crimia of the success of this breakdown, partying, parades, fanfair, and plenty of caterwauling occurred spontaneously. The catawamputs were instantly globally famous and made appearances on stages and media outlets internationally, and formed a coalition with the International Red Cross to aid suffering men, women, boys and girls over the world. There theme song or anthem was Cry Me A River.


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